With laser focused vision I charged onwards, turning my website into a video game. Many years and hundred of hours later, I have finally defeated the final boss, the internal question of - how do I make sense of all these differences?
I came up with a lot of games when I was growing up. “Diego come play with me!” I’d eagerly yell, running to my neighbors front porch after school. Living in a duplex, we shared a wall. This was especially exciting when I would make Diego morse code knock on the other side just to see if I could hear it.
Sneaking around in the bushes and ditches on our cul-de-sac, Diego and I would play for hours till last light. We would constantly be coming up with games to play. I loved being outside just as much as I loved losing myself for hours in front of the TV. Diego’s mom would come out feeding us celery with peanut butter as a snack. I remember making our own popsicle stick farm animals out of paper and being extremely fascinated by the goo that comes out of the aloe vera plant, which was the monstrous dividing factor between our driveways. Imagination was critical when we were playing together.
Diego was the first best friend I made when I came back to Hawaii after being in Ukraine with my grandparents for a year. I met him the day I came home, I was 5, and he was swirling circles in the driveway with his make shift mini electric go kart. That day the garage door was all the way up and revealed a collection of old bicycles which I always wondered about. The garage door was not usually open that’s why.
My neighbors backyard was constantly full of weeds that I would want to take the time to pull out. Our backyards also shared a brick wall that we would constantly be hopping around. It was a back and forth situation every afternoon until I got a bit older, and we naturally grew apart.
From our side of the brick I’ve watched the paint chips on his house get more aged and flakey. Meanwhile my dad re constructed all our walls and repainted our side of the house with a brand new coat. Raking the grass directly correlated with scratching my own head. I’d spend many hours in my backyard plucking weeds and watering planted crops, my hands covered in soil. Over the years I’d peek over the brick watching his backyard grow an unstoppable amount of weeds, never to be played in again. Diego’s backyard is also home to a giant cactus, which grew taller than the highest point of the roof. The contrast between his yard and mine was undeniable. It was wonder vs. abandoned potential.
My mom signed me up for all sorts of classes growing up hoping I find something that I like. I was happily part of Shooting Stars at my local town center, a Diamond Head Theatre summer program and The Music Man musical at Chaminade University. I loved singing and dancing my little heart out. I wasn’t particularly good at either but I was passionate, and that was the most important personality trait I had acquired young. By age 12 I found film accidentally signing up for a digital media/ video class, and career day with Mason Rose at Nui Valley Middle School was the deciding factor for this being something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
PRESS PLAY. You have to PRESS PLAY when you take part in a film. You have to PRESS PLAY as the viewer and especially as the creator. Creating a film uses a lot of imagination. It’s actually a magic trick if you think about it. First, you have an idea about something you would like to see, then a lot of things happen and eventually, you see it on the screen! But overall you made something out of nothing right, and got from point A to B like a true magician.
I think creating a film is a very personal experience. It’s expressing your perspective in a time capsule. It’s giving yourself permission to play and create freely, and with intention. Its exploration of the mind. “How can I film or edit this in an interesting way?“ I constantly ask myself, then I remember my film school teacher telling me to always think about shooting a safe shot, cinematic shot, artsy shot and never done before shot if I ever got stuck on a scene. Film is about experimenting with storytelling, which is only the most ancient tradition.
As I advanced and developed my brand, I found myself tangled in a sea of interests. Film was not the only love in my life. I enjoyed variety. Making flower crowns with my mom, crafting miniature worlds, shooting slow moving photo concepts, painting murals, drawing and now drumming. They say variety is the spice of life. My parents encouraged me to express myself as an artist, I was lucky to grow up so loved and seen.
“You should keep your wedding work separate from your personal work, it won’t make sense to potential clients” - I was constantly told by older wedding professionals. I was confused, not knowing how I could stop myself from expressing all the projects dearest to my heart, no matter what they may be. For years my website was worked on. Each time tweaked felt like a literal brain rewiring. Sam once told me that the way I clean feels like a master wizard levitating mid air moving objects around with the power of their hand and mind. I recently did one more website reconstruction, this purge felt like the one that finally made everything make sense. It feels clean, every idea finally has a home. The clicks and links flow even more cohesively, the wording is simpler, the graphics are intentional.
I recently reconstructed the functionality of our own home and felt like everything finally fell into place. I learned that in order to keep your home clean you need to know where everything goes and it has to be functional. Of course the keys should be right by the door, that makes the most sense so it’s easy to grab them! Why did I keep my keys on the opposite side of the room this entire time? I ask myself, knowing it took me a lot of time to get here. A lot of trial and error, and a lot of different ideas until I realize what makes the most sense. I tend to over complicate first, then simplify. I applied the same logic to my website and I’m happy to believe that I think it finally makes sense and I’ve unlocked the next level!
I grew up admiring the cleanliness of my grandmas apartment. Each time I visited everything was exactly as I remembered. It was orderly, vibrant and retro! I constantly rummaged through drawers searching for knickknacks I could play with. My grandma who is 89 years old, I call her Button (we actually share the same name, Sonia), has a collection of silver tea pots and tea cups proudly displayed on 3 levels in a glass case cabinet in her living/dining room. My eyes widened as I observed details on the cups red intertwining gold. Lace curtains and pink bedsheets, wooden dressers with swirls. Button is living like the ultimate princess in a tower, high up on the 6th floor of an old soviet apartment building. Her balcony overlooks a beautiful view of the Dnipro river. My dad would fish there after school and would know he needed to come home to eat if he saw a giant red blanket hanging out the window.
In the more recent years they built a church by the river on the other side of the street where her bus stop would be. She told me she goes on the balcony, admires the church and prays to God every day. Her apartment shines through with beams of bright sunlight, and she just prays. She thanks God for her family, she thanks her Angels for protecting her. She deeply meditates on her feelings of gratitude and is constantly counting her blessings, naming all family members one by one who live cherished deepest in her thoughts. Anywhere she goes, she prays a blessing; Angels my Angels, be with me now. You’re in the lead, and I’m following. She told me if I say this anytime I go somewhere, everything will be okay.
Growing up I spent my summers flying from Hawaii to Ukraine to visit my grandparents. It was a good thing my parents prioritized that because it rooted me deeper into the culture of where I came from. Button’s favorite story to remember about my childhood was the time we picked blueberries in the forests of Ukrainian village lands. We would come home with liters of blueberries, fingers stained. Once we had to rush home in the rain, we had no idea a storm was coming. She told me that had happened to her before with her brother when they were young. He had wished for a rainy day and when his wish came true, the weather riled an unexpected uproar of chaos. They were out in a wheat field playing in the sun when all of a sudden they were running home in the pouring rain.
Memory is a compilation of moments that make up our lives. I realized so many of my best hardworking traits come from watching my grandparents and remembering them. I grew up far away so remembering them and remembering to call has been the key to staying close.
I love the feeling of remembering - I write in a booklet I made for Sam titled; The Plane Ride Here. I could remember and remember, remember and remember. And each time I remember, my love for you would grow deeper, and deeper. And I felt like I could understand you more and more.
Wishing is a play on the imagination, and the imagination creates our reality. I wished to untangle myself from confusing contradicting forces and the moment I embraced all of my characteristics and differences instead of shying away from them, I felt as if everything had fallen into place. All it took was the acceptance of yeah, this IS who I am. All these differences do make up my blueprint. With a map in hand the labyrinth museum that is my he(art) can finally be understood. All connected through passion, artistry and the permission to explore.
I grew up creating games with my neighbors, today I believe our very own lives play out like a video game. We choose to level up our characters by building on good habits, completing projects, holding strong mindsets and battling mentality, the battle that is in the mind. Each day we have the ability to unlock new lessons and ideas, remember where we came from and where we are going all which nurtures our deep fascination for life. It will always be wonder vs. abandoned potential. A make-your-path storybook. Don’t let the weeds overgrow.
Love, Soph
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